It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
