Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
