My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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