When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
