got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
