from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
