wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I think my fart just growled at me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize