my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize