I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
