oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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