Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
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