I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
