my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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