Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
