I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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