im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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