happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
