So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
