i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
