He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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