There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
