I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
