I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
