I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize