is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
