I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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