dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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