can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Come on in and take your pants off
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