i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just puked most of my soul out..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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