I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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