I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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