Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
