Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
