WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
