I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
