Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Enjoy the penises
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
