I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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