I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
