And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
