I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
