I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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