There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
