it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
