im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
