the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
