Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
