proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize