He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
