Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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