i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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