So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
