i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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