i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize