Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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